Reality Bites by antiGUY

It seems the world is caught up in Ozzy mania! He’s trading jokes with the President, performing for the Queen and for eight weeks we got to watch his dysfunctional family life adventures on MTV. Like most people, I loved the comedy of it all, as each episode unfolded. From Ozzy’s inability to work the remote to his tossing a log through his neighbor’s window but as the season progressed and Ozzy and his family gained more and more attention I began to wonder, “Are we laughing with Ozzy or at him?” 

Let’s look at that a moment, because long time fans of Ozzy know what a character he is, from his urinating on the Alamo decked out in Sharon’s dress to his snorting ants with Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. So his fans knew what to expect, yes Ozzy is a little nuts and that’s part of what we love about him. But what about all of those people who don’t know Ozzy? Never owned one of his albums? Is he some sort of clown they like watching on TV? Are they laughing at him? Has he become a joke along with his family? 

While I enjoyed the show, part of me wishes Ozzy had never agreed to do it. Part of his charm is forever gone, replaced with visions of him tooling around the kitchen trying to replace a trashbag. This isn’t the Ozzy I grew up with; the Prince of Darkness, the Godfather of Heavy Metal, the Ozzy’s who’s T-shirts used to draw evil glances from teachers (In 7th grade I has an Ozzy for President T-shirt which cause quite an uproar with the Vice Principle who thought it was offensive). Now we have Ozzy, the man who’s wife appears to run the whole show and his two children, who you have to wonder “would people hang out with them if they didn’t have such a famous dad?” Let’s be honest here, couldn’t we have lived without getting to know Jack and Kelly? When I was in school we had a name for people who acted like them, we called them nerds. And the worst part is 99% of the show had nothing to do with the music. Will Ozzy be remembered now for his music or his antics on the Osbournes?

It’s all water under the bridge now, as The Osbournes has become a smash hit for MTV and is set to run for at least two more seasons. Now we get to the scary part, the part where the television networks once again see a hit show and fall all over each other trying to copy it (Look to FOX for a perfect example of this practice). So far we know that Tommy Lee will have his own show on VH1 and Brandy will have a special documenting the birth of her child. But some of the other “stars” mentioned for shows also include Oasis, Courtney Love and p.diddy. 

Oasis. This show will most likely air in Europe where the band has a much larger fan base, but what we will get? Think of it as the Real World on crack. We have the famous musical brothers eternal battling documented on TV. That’s the gist of it, we will be lucky to get to the real heart of the matter and see them as they create new music, perform in concert or even work in the studio. Instead, the camera’s will focus on what’s wrong with their personalities, not the talents that made them stars. Yes, much like the Osbournes. 

I’ll save Courtney for last.  But just the idea watching the life of p.diddy or whatever stupid name he is calling himself this week, makes me scratch my head. The guy is loaded so will we get “Life Style of the Rich and Famous” with hip-hop slang? Imagine as we watch p.diddy listening to classic rock radio trying to decide which song to destroy next with one of his remixes. The real excitement will come in the second show where we watch a group of hangers on kiss p.diddy’s ass in a posh New York nightspot. Then we will get to watch him in action behind the camera as he stands around in someone else’s video, promotion a song that he will more than likely make more money off of than the person who wrote it (ok wrote the rap and programmed the computer and drum machine or remixed a classic rock song). I know p.diddy is idolized by a lot of people but to me he is nothing more than a modern version of the sharks that ripped off a lot of the artists in the past, just to make themselves rich and powerful. You know the old story of the record company giving the musician a Cadillac instead of their royalties; I have no problem imagining Sean Combs in that role. And let’s face it; his music is really nothing to get excited about. The real mystery is what lame moniker will he come up with next? I would like to suggest Ka-Ching, it really gets to the heart of what he is all about.

The Tommy Lee show. Now here is a genius idea! This really should make for exciting TV. The adventures of Tommy Lee. We will get to watch him play around with pro-tools trying to reinvent himself as Trent Rezner and better yet we get to hear the witty dialog and exchanges between him and everyone he meets, you know we can expect to hear “dude” about a hundred times in every episode. Ozzy is one thing but Tommy Lee? I know the guy makes headlines but that’s for his battles with Pamela and sex videos, do you really expect to see any of that on TV? Tommy is not a bad guy, but he really is an overgrown adolescent, and let’s be honest we could probably get pretty much the same kind of entertainment but going over to the local high school and hanging out with the stoners. “Know what I’m saying, dude?” Then again it would be fun to watch Tommy host a barbeque at his house and invite Nikki and Ozzy over, who knows maybe we can see Ozzy snort some ants and Nikki urinate into the pool. No, I think I’ll skip that one. 

Now here is a show that will have us glued to the set, “Courtney Love”!!!!  I first have to ask the question, would we even know this women’s name if she hadn’t married Kurt Cobain? I’m serious, do you think her singing voice would have made her a star all on her own? If you do, then I’ve got a number for a really good rehab for you because you have to be really stoned! Out of all the names mentioned for their own “Osbournes” like show this is the one that makes my head spin the most. What in the hell could we find enjoyable about watching Courtney Love’s life documented on the screen. I’m serious, do we get to watch her forget to take her Prozac and then get into it with the maid? They can’t show her singing because everyone would tune out. Yes, sometimes it is fun to watch people with abrasive personalities on TV but who will be the good guy we root for? It can’t be Francis Bean, if anything it will make us feel sorry for the poor girl, first she suffers the loss of her father and now she has her life on national TV? Do we get to watch Courtney meet with her lawyers and discuss all the lawsuits she is in the middle of? Listen to her bad mouth her late husband and his bandmates? I honestly don’t see the logic in having a show focused on Courtney. 

One rip off show that might be entertaining though, would be Music Survivor. Imagine sticking some rock, rap and pop stars on an island and see what happens, and who will be voted off each week. Sure Metal-Sludge did a spoof on that idea but that was with a bunch of past stars, let’s get celebs like Britney Spears, Bono, Mandy Moore, Justin “Poodle Head” Timberlake, Eminem, Fred Durst, Moby, Marilyn Manson, Willa Ford, Scott Stapp, Zack from Rage, Chad from Nickleback, Lars, Corey from Slipknot on an island along with Rob Halford, Dimebag, Kerry King, Dave Mustaine and see what kind of fun can develop there! Imagine the fights between Eminem, Manson and Lars. Who would be the peacekeeper, which stars would become the leaders, who would form alliances? Would Fred piss everybody off the first few days and be the first voted off? Or would he and Scott Stapp finally have that boxing match? Would the rockers team up against the popsters. Would Willa, Britney and Mandy get along or stab each other in the back? Now if we could have a show like that, I might tune in but that doesn’t seem likely. Then again, with the money these networks are willing to spend, you never know. 

Until then, I don’t think Gene, p.diddy, Tommy or Courtney need television shows and I really don’t think we need to watch their lives through the electronic fishbowl. Yes, people love to watch celebrities but I just keep going to back to that question that nagged at me half way through the first season of the Osbournes; “Are people laughing with Ozzy or at him?”